Doodles of a Gentleman

Obsession

This happens. Every time I change the look of my blog, I come up with some posts, and then BOOM. Nothing else. Call it writer’s block. In fact, don’t. Don’t insult other writers out there, just plainly call it what it is. It’s my good old friend, laziness. So yes, I have, apparently, been on a hiatus off of writing since October of 2012. I hesitate to say I’m back, but yes, I’d like to blow the dust off my blog (so to speak) to again, rant here on a few issues of my age. Today’s topic; OBSESSION.

I have a feeling that this would be a very negative topic should it ever be brought into a debate as we are, after all, Malaysians, and after that crazy fiasco with Syarifah Zohra Jabeen and Bawani, it’s been made clearer that we’re not supposed to be vocal about certain issues or the powers that be will shut you up and make you listen to them until you concede. With that said, let me first voice out that this is, after all, an opinion. An opinion that is derived from observation of the eyes and then connected by logic and reason from the brains to form a singular and coherent thought and idea. Therefore, should there be any contradictory points to my argument(s), please feel free to provide your own. However please note that only logical opinions will be entertained. Emotional rants will, as I do in real life, be wholly ignored and highlighted as the subject of my mockery.

As an aftermath of the forum that went viral referenced above, a lot of parties have come out and defended the rights of the youth to speak their minds and be more pro-active in voicing their opinions. Of course, naturally I believe that the freedom of speech, especially for a youth, is quintessential in nation building. Any blogger who denies the freedom of speech is either an idiot or does not understand the meaning of irony, really. However, that does not mean that we, the youth do not have our idiotic moments too. Case in point is what I would like to talk about today; OBSESSION, be it with celebrities, movies or even a culture. Oh, and don’t forget technology. (Yes, Apple, I’m looking at you.)

Okay, so it might not be too serious, you think, but aha! I would bring you 2 exhibits of the case that actually brought at the least, embarrassment and at its peak, self-harm. They are:

Exhibit A: #BaldForBieber

Exhibit B: #CutForBieber

Ironic isn’t it that both these examples involve the same celebrity? It sends some kind of message across doesn’t it? ~~Maybe the fact that the fans of this particular artist are idiots?~~ No? Oh well, maybe it’s just me. Anyway, yes. I have a problem with the amount of stupid there is in the world today for a bunch of human beings to perform acts of idiocy on themselves for a figure or idol that is not even aware of their existence, much less be in any way or form affected by their acts of dumbness.

So let’s delve deeper shall we? Let’s figure out what I am actually talking about here. Well for starters (yes, all of that text up there, shit hasn’t even begun yet, son!) let’s begin with Justin “Stupidfans” Bieber. Yep, I nicknamed him Stupidfans.

Stupidfans, seen here surrounded by his namesake.

Friends of mine would know that already, I am not a fan of his music. (Sorry J-Biebs, nothing personal, your music just doesn’t shake me that way) Since I am mature enough to know that music preferences are a subjective thing, I shall not criticize those who love his songs, I shall, however, criticize his stupid fans, for loving his every-other non-music related properties.

I’m sorry, he’s caring? Listen you little clusterfuck, how on earth would you know that? Does he know you exist? Did he nurse you to health when you were down with that cold last month? He’s HOT? He’s HOT??!! What the fricking frack is wrong with you? Didn’t yo mama ever told you to judge something not by their physical attractiveness, but by their inner virtue? Loving and sweet? Little girl, I bet my whole monthly allowance that you have never described your parents, who have provided for you and sheltered you for all of your insignificant little life as “loving” and “sweet”. Think about your life’s priorities kiddo. You’re describing a TOTAL STRANGER there. All you know about him is what the media portrays him as. You are no friend of his. In his world, YOU DO NOT EXIST.

Ehem. Sorry. Back to what I was saying. It’s a very sad thing to see that these small little girls look up to this insignificant little punk and make him their everything. Don’t take me the wrong way, if you’re a fan, appreciate them the best way you can; by appreciating what they love, their music. Not by throwing yourselves blindly at this little boy-girl (birl?) for a song or two that you’ve heard him sing. Hell, if you like the “deep meaning” of the song, guess what? That little guttershite didn’t write them songs. He just sings them.

Now let’s move on to another aspect of obsession plaguing our nation in this recent times; K-pop.

I'm determined to have at least one decent picture in this post, so here. Girls Generation. I think.

Now again, I know that everyone is subject to their own opinions here in terms of taste, but my issue is when you go nuts for this stuff. Have you noticed how we’ve started emulating Korean fashion now? I mean seriously? You’ve taken to wearing glasses WITHOUT glasses? You know what they’re called? Fucking FRAMES. That’s what it’s called.

You dare mock me?!

I wear glasses because my eyes suck and I can’t see long distances. In simple, stupid terms, I’M FUCKING BLIND! What’s your excuse? FASHION? Since when does fashion mock my fuckin’ disability? Come on lads, you have brains, where’s your fuckin’ common sense eh? If the powers that be in the fashion industry decided tomorrow that wheelchairs are fashionable, don’t tell me everyone is gonna go ahead and forgo walking altogether in the name of fashion? Actually you know what? We already have fat-asses who need those battery powered scooters to move about coz their legs no longer work. People buying wheelchairs for fashion actually sounds plausible. Ah fuck this planet.

Twilight is another phenomenon that makes me triple facepalm. I’ll concede, the movie premise was pretty interesting, I mean, you have werewolves, red Indians and vampires with x-men like abilities. That’s like a dude’s wet dream! Until you see how soppy the whole thing is. Well good on Stephanie Meyer, watering down the violence of the undead and the transformed for the digestion and interest of girls worldwide.

Here’s where shit goes south. Boyfriends all over the world has to fucking endure the torture of seeing Edward, a vampire, also known as THE COOLEST FUCKING THING TO BE EVER say to Bella these exact words, “What? I’m not monster enough for you?” Oh sweet merciful god. YUCK.

Boyfriends all over the world hated the movie and rejoiced the moment the last part of the movie came out as it marked a sort of independence. No more looking over your shoulders, making sure the unwelcome request to go watch Twilight together doesn’t come. No more nights at the cinemas watching two of the coolest paranormal entities get rebranded into sob puppets on screen. No more.

Yes, this picture is from 9gag. I'm just too bloody lazy to remove the watermark.

And finally, Apple. To be honest, I’ve never seen what it is that my friends ever saw in Apple. The allure of the white, designer iThings never infected me. I’ve always seen them as idiots gadgets, which they essentially were (they revolutionized the User Interface by dumbing it down so that it appeals to a wider audience) and that’s good for them. They came, they massacred the market with their products, and they asserted their dominance. Yay. My issue is this:

You see, that’s people in the great US of A lining up to get Apple products the day of its launch. For those of you who do not know, here’s a little backstory. We here in Malaysia were a bit slow to the Apple revolution as we had to wait for Apple to build its empire over on US soil before they expanded here in Malaysia. And the moment they did, this was what happened.

Idiots. You know why they do it? Just because the Americans did it too. So what if you got the product first? Is your life so insignificant that you have to waste your time lining up and sometimes even camping outside of a store JUST to be among the first few to own a particular item? That is just sad. I don’t even need to explain why it’s sad. It’s like that kid in high school who never got over the fact that he was the first to finish his homework. Boy, nobody gives a damn. It’s a gadget. Next year, there’s gonna be something better. And you know what, sometimes being first isn’t even worth it. Product recalls often affect the first n-th product as the latest ones already have the fix implemented in them. So not only did you waste your time (read “life”) waiting for the product, it might not even work properly. Sucks to be you huh?

Opening of H&M Malaysia

And what’s worse is that the trend is now spreading to other facets of life. Sigh. Society, you better get your shit together now or we going the way of the dinosaurs. They didn’t have common sense back then. What’s your excuse?

How Sexy is Sexy

Ever since I arrived at manhood, there has always been one question I haven’t quite gotten the answer to yet. Why, in god’s beautiful and merciful name, do women get extremely mad or shy (depending on situation) at men when they are seen only in their bras and panties, but openly and happily allow a man to look at them while in bikinis. DON’T THEY COVER THE SAME AREA OF SKIN?

Case in point

With that statement, comes my conundrum. You see, fashion, as a common sense thing, has basically fallen into a plateau since the 1900’s. Remember what those times were like?

In the days where SWAG and YOLO are just really rumbles of a beat-down drunk from across the graveyard, this impeccable fashion dominated the time. Men were a man’s man. “Dapper” was the term in this era. And guess what? THEY WERE CRIMINALS! That up there is the Butch Cassidy and the Wild Bunch. For those of you who are uninitiated with who he is, here’s a link. Even low-life criminals back then had the style, the charm, and the smoothness of classic Italian playboys.

What about the men of today then?

Uhh, I must have confused “men’s” with “women’s” then. Never mind, let’s carry on. Wait is that a dildo?! And are those sunglasses hanging on her jeans? Somebody go tell this poor blond that vaginas DO NOT need UV protection.

And that’s basically what men’s fashion is all about really. We still have the shirts that cover the torso, pants that went straight down to the ankles and the only parts exposed are the hands, feet and head. We were, rudimentally, unchanged. Clothing is seen as nothing more than a practicality that helped keep us clothed and warm as well as protecting the soft-squishy bits that comes with being a man.

Now what about the fine senioritas? How have their fashion sense changed? Let’s go back to the 1900’s and take a look.

Okay. Err, classy, I think. Do they all have florist shops operating on their heads? Well, that’s a little too much of killing two birds with one stone isn’t it? But hey, they’re still very well dressed. Looking at this picture, you can literally see these women drinking tea in the evenings with their little pinky finger raised over the cup holder, talking all fancy in a garden somewhere quaint and beautifully mowed. I’ll have to say, women’s fashion in the 1990’s were much more practical and interesting on the whole.

See how long of a way they’ve come? Gone were the illegal florists on their head, replaced with full locks of shiny hair and when back in the 1900’s, showing an ankle would have aroused the men (seriously), should the men back then see how much leg were exposed in the 90’s, they would have a little “accident” in their pants already. But see, here is where we start to see “sexy” coming into play. Women are more openly using their assets to enhance their beauty. Slightly shorter skirts here, a little more cleavage there and voila, a man’s attention, all theirs for the taking.

What I do not get then, and never will get is how come, when a man’s attire covers more parts while being generally much less exposed, is it possible for women’s clothes to cost more? I mean they USE LESS MATERIALS TO MAKE! They do not even cover your legs for god’s sake! And the prices on those dresses are ridiculous!

Women, my question to you; Why? Why go through all the trouble in the 19^th century fighting for equal rights, desexualizing femininity and so on, and so forth when you are just sexualizing it all over again now? Women complain that chivalry is dead. IT’S NOT DEAD! You just want equal rights so you do your shit yourself.

And after that long introduction, I come to the topic. How sexy is sexy? Women wear low-cut blouse all the time and it’s apparently okay for them to do so. As a man, I have little to no issue of a woman wanting to show as much skin as she possibly wants, hell you can walk naked for all I care, its your body. My issue is when I look at what you are openly showing, then all of a sudden, I get labeled a pervert. WHAT. THE. FUCK.

That’s like going to a museum and every time you look at the exhibits, the curator comes and calls you a jerk. Have you ever seen a person having to peek through a blindfold to look at exhibits in a museum? I think not. That’s just it isn’t it? Its okay to sneak a peek every once in a while, but full on stare and BOOM! You’re a sexually frustrated man-child who is also coincidentally a pervert and a jerk. I’m a connoisseur of beauty that’s what I am you blibbering idiot! You displayed it, you’re the pervert. What if I took my genitals out of my pants and walked around with it hanging outside just like that? I’d be caught by the police, that’s what’s going to happen. And I’ll be charged, conveniently, for indecent exposure. Hell in some places, I’ll even be inducted into the club of registered sexual offenders!

You know why all these exposure happens don’t you? It’s because women are progressively being coerced into looking beautiful. Although they have more rights than they used to, women are still nothing more than sex-symbols. Look around you. In TV land, magazine ville and the United States of Advertisements, only the beautiful and sexy share the same postcode. And because those women seem to hold so much power only with their looks, women who are in the society tend to want to emulate that formula in gaining power themselves. We live in a society where everything is only skin deep. Gone are the days of substance. Everything can be stripped down to its bare essentials and EVERYTHING depends on looks.

And so, to end my rant on the status of what’s sexy today, I would like to implore the women of the world to think. Do you want to be known for that chick with a smoking body, that chick that 1 million dudes think about when jerking off, that chick that people adore because of what they see, or that chick that was awesome because she was unique and real? Beauty is not a bad thing. It’s the extreme lengths to which mankind strive to attain it that is dangerous.

Graduation

Look at that shit! That's a bunch of people having fun, that's what that is.

Google Images

Ah, graduation. That time of the year again where people of all genders and ages wear a sleeping blanket to go up on stage and receive a roll of toilet paper from an old squat who they will never meet again in their lives. The time when you are finally certified as a graduate, an alumni, and last but not least, unemployed.

You see, there’s something undeniably mundane about graduations. It’s lauded as this ceremony of ceremonies and it’s just chock full of protocol. But all that is just for a scroll and a stage time of 5 seconds!

What I don’t get, and I have said this time, and time again to all of my friends, is why the graduates themselves, invite so many people to watch them go on stage for that 5 seconds. You must not like those people very much! Because if you do, you wouldn’t force them to go through 3 hours of flack just to wake up in time for your moment of fame. I wouldn’t. I would compare it to bringing a whole envoy to school when it was time to get your SPM certificates. It’s essentially a plea for attention saying “Please celebrate me, this might be the last time I’ll be happy”.

“Join me at my happiest moments as I graduate!” Bollocks! That was, quote by quote, the invite I got on Facebook. Now I have talked to many adults, and guess what the happiest moments of their lives are? Well I can tell you outright, it’s not graduation. Yes, some people love their alma mater, some of them have sentimental memories there so on and so forth, but nobody remembers being so sleepy in the hall through the speeches, going up on stage for 5 seconds, shaking hands with a chancellor or pro chancellor you have never met in your life or will ever influence any aspect of your lives from then on ever again and finally exiting the hall to a sweltering, proper Malaysian afternoon, all of this, with that hideous sleeping blanket on your back (with the exception of UTM graduates. I have seen the UTM graduation robes. They’re awesome as f*ck).

Does this mean that as you are my friend by proxy, I am obligated to be there for EVERY SINGLE HAPPY MOMENT YOU HAVE IN LIFE FROM THEN ON? Getting married, boom! Obligated to be there. Having sex, boom! Obligated to be there. Delivering your baby, boom! Obligated to be there again. So on and so forth. Where do we draw the line? Do I have to come to your kid’s convocation too? Don’t tell me that won’t be the happiest bit of your life either, that’s just nonsense.

All of this got me thinking. If and when I graduate, it’s just going to be me mum and dad in that hall with me. And no, it’s not because I hate them and I want them to suffer through the speeches and whatnot, no. It’s because if they can force me to go through 4 years of my life in this bloody university facing books for a better future, then a boring 3 hour-long lecture sounds like just the right payback for that. Oh, that and having a live view of their return of investment bit. Yeah, that’ll be my official reason.

Finally, I'll end this bit of rant with this awesome video of some of the convocation graduates letting their hair down. If only more people had balls to do this.

Review: University of Malaya Mock Trial 2012, “GAMPANG”

Before I begin this review, allow me to do 2 things. Firstly, let me acquaint you with myself. To those unfamiliar with me, I am a very brash person who is aggressively opinionated and a connoisseur of truth. I agree, to a certain degree, my truthfulness can come to a point of insult, but hey, if I don’t do it, who else will? We now live in a world filled with hypocrites who just say things to make you happy. Where do you go if you do not have someone to just push you down, bash you up and break your teeth in so that the next time you would come up fighting? With that said, I sincerely urge anyone who cannot take insults not to read this review, be it the cast, crew or any of the fine students of the UM Law School. Fair warning, it will not all be fine and dandy. I will give credits to where credits are due, and insults to where it is appropriate.

Secondly, to those who do not know what a Mock Trial is, it is essentially an act of sorts taking real-life cases, and making a parody of them. It is reputed to be extremely funny and in the University of Malaya, exclusively performed by, conducted and managed by students of the Faculty of Law, University of Malaya. Everything concerned with the production is student oriented from the writing of the script, the directing of the production and the performance itself, are all student-driven.

Let’s start.

Yesterday marks my second time as a Mock Trial audience; my first being the 2011 Mock Trial “Seksaan Syaitan”.

UM Mock Trial 2011
Seksaan Syaitan
Google Images

The Mock Trial was titled "GAMPANG".

UM Mock Trial 2012
Gampang
Google Images

The good.

Their videos were awesome!

The introductory videos were excellently shot and had such realism to it that we, the audience were pretty much immersed in the excitement. But then again, Mock Trial does have the experience in stimulating the audiences from the get go, so it was good to see that they have put that knowledge to expert application. Kudos also to whoever it was that managed to snag the PDRM’s support in making this video. The cameo of the genuine Malaysian Royal Police force issued Proton Waja was a surprise and awed many of us. It looked like it was a real bust.

Royal Malaysian Police
standard issue
Proton Waja
Google Images

Next came the reporting bit, where a female reporter stands in front of the Law faculty and reports the arrest of a suspect in an ongoing murder case. This, I will have to say, was the only bane in the videos of the Mock Trial. The female reporter’s face was not focused on clearly and was blurred, so it was a little distracting. It slightly detracted from the viewing experience.

I will have to commend whoever came up with the credits video as well. It was a very creative twist to a very mundane bit of every production. My eyes were glued to the screen the whole time the video was rolling. I think the only time I was so interested in a credits roll was when I finished the Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 game as well as all the Marvel movies which had a post-credits section after the roll.

The make-up and attires of the cast was also well thought of. I especially liked the terrorist dude’s multi-purpose beard cum pubic hair. Oh that cracked me up real good. The French-Mario dude’s moustache cum eyebrows was funny too!

We finally arrive at the act in itself. The act began with a very funny rendition of the Hari Raya song. Hats off to the Director for this bit, keeping the spirit of Raya going strong and making a reference to it. A bit of a personal touch and flair.

And that’s when it all came crashing to a disappointing plateau. Let’s get to the bad parts of it now. The characters were not as well portrayed as last year, that bit was clear from the get-go, but by god did it bore the hell out of me. This year’s judge was some sort of a gay Qumar wananabe. I’m not sorry for saying this, but to the best of my knowledge, every production aims to immerse the audience in the storyline and make them as interested as possible without breaking the illusion that what they were seeing are all fake and is just a story after all. Now, I’ll proudly stand by last year’s Mock team. They managed that. It was a discernible production, one where it brought the audience along on a ride.

The problem with this year’s Mock was that the judge kept making references to the Busana team, and/or the Technical team. It shatters the whole illusion of the story. There were also too much gay jokes; jokes that were lame in retrospect and are just so reused and rehashed from Qumar’s act. Sir, I came to see the Kings of Varsity comedy at their best! If I wanted a plagiarized act of another comedian, I might as well have logged onto YouTube. “Kings of Varsity Comedy” my sweet Malay butt.

Google Image search of
"Sweet malay butt" turned up disturbing results.
So here's a potato.
Google Image

Secondly, there were a lot of inside jokes, jokes that only apply to the men, women, and sexually confused beings of the UM Law School. I understand you have your seniors in there. The who’s who of UM Law School were all there, and you want to get your friends involved in it, sure. I can understand that, but there is one fundamental concept that you are getting wrong. You publicize the event to every corner of the globe and yet, the jokes are only relevant to those who are in the faculty. The cast has failed to take into account that there are also people who are not in the faculty who cannot understand some of the references made in the act. Hey, we paid our RM 3 as well okay. If the intention was only to appeal to the humor of the Law students, you might as well have not invited the rest of us there. Here we are, hearing all of these people laughing all around us, and we are sitting there feeling like the kid who has tissue paper hanging out of their butt; everyone knows something you don’t. Dude, I’m in the best university in Malaysia. I already feel inferior in knowledge every day as compared to my classmates and here I am, paying to feel the same in a play that’s promised to cheer me up? Ugh.

Thirdly, the witnesses brought to the stands. By god, the majority of them were just a bore. It was lame jokes after lame jokes. The kind of jokes pulled off by the likes of Harith Iskandar and Afdlin Shauqi; people who are so full of themselves that they think they were funny and in turn, overdid everything they do. The policeman cum magician cum creepy gay Dracula, the shaman cum bitchwitch and I’m especially looking at you Tan Sri Boring. The cast of Mock Trial are a long way from the humor prowess the likes of Russell Peters, Dane Cook, Dat Phan, hell, even Qumar.

Their only saving grace from the stream of witnesses cross-examined was this one Arabic-Bangladesh terrorist dude who was the third or so witness. DIRECTOR OF MOCK TRIAL 2013, LISTEN UP. IF YOU DON’T CAST THAT DUDE AGAIN NEXT YEAR, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE MISSING! I laughed and laughed throughout his whole slot, it was just the saving grace of the whole play. He was so in character and just so cool in the way he throws off his one liners that it was just so perfect. Other casts of the play would do well to follow his lead the next time around.

This DUDE!
Google Images

The nurse was not too bad as well. She managed to make me crack up a few times with her pronunciations as well as her general act. I would say that the nurse pulled off her role. The two of them; the terrorist dude and the nurse were just the ones worth paying attention to I’d say.

I shall proceed to the counsels. There were six in all; there’s this Datin like counsel, a French Mario look-alike, a tomboy, an Indonesian (by the way he speaks), a parody of Pandalela Rinong called Pandagila, and an old school Malaysian Deejay. All in all, they were pretty harmless. I would say they adequately played their role. But my favourite is the French Mario. Holy hell did he manage to nail that French accent! I loved every bit of his cross-examination! Kudos mate. =) On the off side, the Datin is just so bloody annoying. I would suggest a killing off of her/his (revealed to be a man sometime throughout the show) character the next time round. His/her (its?) voice was like a bird’s cry when it has a cat biting its neck trying to kill it! I honestly thought that her heft (he/she was a big f*cker) was just creating its own gravity to a point where the time-space continuum just gives up and goes home thus leading to my watch’s second finger refusing to budge.

The rest was not so bad, though I do feel that the inclusion of an old school Malay deejay was a very good idea! Pity it wasn’t milked for all it was worth. They had the potential when they played the music as a background and dimmed it everytime the deejay spoke and played it back up again after he was silent. If only they had kept that up throughout his whole cross-examination, that would have been a lot better in my opinion. I'm sorry to say that the rest of the counsels were pretty much forgettable.

In closing, I would like to say that the Mock Trial 2012 were not without its crazy awesome moments. The scene where the judge was trying to mock Pandagila and ends up breaking his chair was just epic! His reaction and fear was so real to a point where it was so clear that it’s off script. Instead of covering it up, he openly showed his fear and concern and as an audience, I think he made the right call. Its was just so damn funny at the time. It was made better that when the technical crew came in to replace the chair and brought out the broken one, we got a glimpse of the broken chair. IT WAS DESTROYED! The audience went nuts!

Another memorable flop was when the policewoman that was supposed to maintain order in the courtroom was calling for all the people involved to rise and when she kicked the stairs, it ricocheted resulting in an EPIC FALL! The shock on her face was so real that we seriously were taken by surprise. And the fact that the pain was etched so clearly in her face was just the boost we need to keep laughing at her. Yeah, it was bad to laugh at people that fell flat on their asses, but hey, humans are fucked up. =)

I guess it’s all these little bits of spontaneity that saved the show for me. Overall, I didn’t really enjoy the mock in itself, I would say that the cast has much to improve performance-wise to make it a really high-standard show, to make them really earn the title “KINGS of Varsity comedy”. But all in all, for 3 ringgit, who am I to complain right?

To the cast, considering what you have been through to make this play, and how hard it is to perform on a stage, you have my support for future mocks. My best go to you.

6 out of 10.

Addendum: For future mocks, I would recommend the Technical crew to utilize a different Media Player for the video. Windows Media Player has some stability issues which would be okay for personal use, but when there's a need for it to perform flawlessly, it sometimes takes up more RAM than usual and causes jumps or lags in the video. I would strongly suggest using a lighter Media Player, something like VLC next time.